Soulmate

Soulmate is defined as a “person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner” or "a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity".

However, when constructing our own narrative around meeting our “soulmate” we

have a tendency to focus solely on our search for a romantic partner. There is no consideration that this journey may lead you to a close friend with a platonic foundation.  In fact, people spend their lives blindly searching for their “soul mate” leaving a trail of destructed romantic relationships in toe, completely oblivious to the close friend who is there throughout picking up the pieces and trying to piece you back together.

The soul mate that has been in your direct line of vision all along is often completely overlooked. It isn’t your fault, because you’ve grown up in society thinking that a soul mate can only be defined as a “person ideally suited to another as a romantic partner”. This has been both unconsciously and explicitly reinforced throughout life, through Hollywood, through the literature, leaving you with a somewhat confused and biased belief of what the construct of a “soul mate” truly is.

Well how wrong we have all been.

As a women in my mid 30’s it has taken much time and reflection before I was able to realise how blessed I am to have found true soul mates in my life, and they are not in the capapcity of a romantic partner. I am no longer searching for this elusive “soul mate” this partner that will complete me and bring a sense of “meaning” to my life, because I have arrived at a new understating of the word.

Over the last few decades of my life, I have found and invested in some very close friendships, and I truly believe that some of these close friends are my soul mates for life. There are certain things I have gained from these friendships which I have struggled to find in romantic partnerships.

A new sense of security. I have never felt as secure in a romantic relationship as I do within some of my close friendships. That security that no matter what you reveal they will love you and turn up for you day in day out.

The longevity, some of my soul mates live on opposite ends of the earth, but never have I been able to navigate a long-distance relationship as well as I do with my close friends. We manage to accommodate our own lives to work around each other. We show up for one another no matter what time of day and night and there are no preconditions attached.

A sense of empowerment. My close friends fill me with a sense of confidence and belief in myself that I am yet to find from a romantic partner. They back you 100% and encourage you to go for your dreams without worrying about the impact that might have on them. They are your biggest cheerleader.

Open honesty. My close friends know every small detail about me. There is no fear or judgement, there is nothing hidden, no stone left unturned. They see a true reflection of who I am, and they feel able to confront me with that without a fear of retaliation. There is an open honesty to these relationships which allows me to receive any feedback with a warm heart, safe in the knowledge that whatever is given comes from a loving place.

There is no balancing of egos within the relationship. We see our positions within the relationship as equal. There is no elevated importance of one party. We are equals.

We know and respect each other’s boundaries, and we have an acceptance of those. More than that we encourage and support one another to stick to them when we are faltering. We keep the focus on each other’s best interests and what that truly means.

A love that knows no bounds. The love I get from my close friends may not be of the romantic kind but it is so deep and so powerful that there is not a day that goes by where I doubt that I am truly loved in this world.

This is not to dismiss the value and contentment that can be had within a secure and equal “romantic relationship” but certainly we need to challenge the narrative driving the search for our “soul mates”. You may have found yours. They may not be in the form you were expecting but that doesn’t mean you aren’t blessed to have them in your life. And the search for “true love” doesn’t need to end, that is the beauty of finding a sole mate in a close friend. They give you the security and strength to continue looking for a romantic partner safe in the knowledge that you already have most bases covered. You aren’t searching for a partner to fulfil all of your needs because you already have someone providing some of these needs for you. It is outlined in Mary Ainsworth’s “secure attachment” type. It is easy to go out and explore the world if you know you have a secure base at home.

So maybe it’s time to recognise the value of investing our time and energy into our core friendships. Maybe it is time expand our own definitions of “soul mate” and see where that can lead.