Struggling with the concept that you can't have a child when you don't currently want a child is a bit of a minefield. Its hard to be asked to empathise with yourself for something you aren't sure if you actually want. It's the whole process of mourning something you don't have and aren't even really sure you were striving for. On reflection it's no wonder my therapist ran a mile how are you supposed to guide someone through all of that?
I have always been open to the idea of children but that was a always a concept for far far in the my future. I have a good job which requires a lot of my time and I want to achieve certain things before I start thinking about starting any sort of family. Theres also a lot of the world I want to see before I have children and many many things I want to do. As I've said before its never been my main focus to get married, have kids and start that life as soon as possible. I know many people who do have that dream and I fully support that. I also know people who place more of an emphasis on having that family life and would be crushed to have that option taken away. Thats not to say I'm not crushed and sometimes I think that makes it all more confusing. How do you navigate having something taken away when you are still trying to figure out your life and what you want in it. There's a strange sort of guilt associated with feeling sad about loosing something you might not have even wanted.
In some ways theres a sense of relief that the pressure is off. The stark awareness that there is a ticking fertility time bomb inside is present in every women and unlike our male counterparts a sense of impending detonation gets ever closer by the day. Many of my girlfriends are entering their 30's and starting to share these worries. Some that are single are worried they are running out of time to find someone and those in relationships are trying to decide when and if they want to start trying for children. I've now had some of this pressure relieved, I don't need to figure that out any more, the decision has been made for me. Ultimately I can go on living my life carefree of whether my body is running out of time because in that sense it's already been decided. But despite all of this theres still a sense of mourning and sadness and I can't quite figure out how to overcome that.
It's a difficult conversation to have with other people because it feels like non of my peers have ever been through it. I know that is me making a massive assumption and maybe this issue affects more women than we realise but it's not a conversation that is had very often and I think that adds to many women feeling like they are going through it alone. It difficult to articulate to someone quite how it feels at this stage in your life. Because kids haven't been a priority for many of my friends yet I think I've managed to push the issues to the back of my head, an out of sight out of mind mentality. I know this is going to change in the coming years and that is something I'm just going to have to figure out how to navigate.
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