It is a humbling and vulnerable position to be in when you switch from Doctor to Patient, and one I have been reflecting on a lot recently.
On a normal day you will turn up to work in the privileged position where you can help others going through some of the most scary and distressing times of their lives. You pull all the tricks you were taught in your training. The empathetic stare, the carefully timed pauses or spaces you orchestrate to allow your patients to process whatever information you have just beholden upon them. Then one day it all just switches. A sudden unexpected role reversal . All of a sudden you are sat on the other side of the table, the unwanted recipient of that infamous empathetic stare. You know the cards that are being played. You know the direction of play. You are aware of the warning shots being fired just before you are dealt that heavy blow of unfortunate news. Suddenly you are vulnerable. You aren't the one with any knowledge or power to help. You feel slightly off kilter. You aren't in the driving seat any more, the safety of in depth knowledge has gone and you aren't really too sure where this road is going to end. The hospital or clinic is no longer your office. The health care team around you aren't your work colleagues or friends. You try to navigate a a very fine line between patient and professional. You are torn by whether you want to be recognised as a health care professional in this circumstance, unsure whether that's any real help to anyone. You may drop in the occasional "technical" or "medical" word to give the silent game away and see if they bite, whilst still trying to maintain some boundaries and remain in your role as patient.
Having some knowledge of a subject and not being an expert in that field can be daunting. A medical background prepares you for a lot but when you get down into the nitty gritty of particular diagnoses unless this is your speciality you are at the mercy of others. It can be hard to accept this. To let go of the control and put your trust in those around you. You are left in a dangerous position of having enough knowledge to worry, but not enough knowledge to be able to reassure yourself fully!
As you switch from Doctor to Patient you find yourself in a novel position where you can experience the "patient journey" first hand. You experience the same frustrations that other patients face. As a medical professional you are likely to come into contact with patients every day. You hear the complaints from your patients about a whole host of issues and sometimes it may be easy to get blasé about some of these things. It's not because you don't care about your patients, you wouldn't be in the profession if you didn't! However, in a broken NHS system with daily these ongoing daily battles you have to develop some resilience to system failures to maintain any sort of strength to carry on. Once those roles are reversed you are blessed to be able to appreciate your patients perspective. The frustrations with long waiting times, rushed appointments, delays in receiving treatment or diagnosis. It is hard to balance the frustration that being a patient can bring alongside your loyalty to a profession that you have fought so hard to be in. You feel solidarity towards your fellow patients (those diagnosed with the same condition) but then equally betrayal against the profession. You feel like you should be jumping to the defence of your colleagues and friends as you have been in their shoes, you understand it's not their fault, they want to help their patients, the good intent is there! But as a patient the journey can be so long and painful you get to a point where you don't always care if the good intent is there or not, you just want the best care!
POI is an ongoing journey. Just as you conquer one hurdle the next appears. This tight rope of patient v's professional is one I shall continue to walk for many years to come, hopefully gaining insight on both sides to better myself in both roles!
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